Partner Betrayal Trauma Therapy
When we enter into a loving partnership, we enter with the expectation that commitment, fidelity, honesty, transparency and loyalty are the basic unquestioned qualities in the relationship. Most times we don’t even question our partner about these values. We entered the relationship with complete trust and faith in the belief that they would never betray or bring harm on us in such a way as sexually acting out by means of (Virtual–video-cams, pornography, flirting or sexting on social media platforms, Physical- prostitutes, affairs, hook up dating apps, strip clubs, one night stands Emotional- flirting, having secret conversations with work colleges or exes, emotional infidelity, cyber affairs, flirting on internet chat rooms Financial infidelity- hiding money, spending money on obtaining or paying for sex either virtually or physically, spending money on an affair partner).
The pain and shock of discovering there has been ongoing breaches of trust leaves us feeling absolutely devastated. It’s hard to believe that the person we love has betrayed and blind sighted us without us knowing.. Our whole world feels like it’s falling apart, we feel shattered and heartbroken, you may even begin to wonder if the whole relationship has been a lie. I want you to know you are not alone, I know these feeling only too well when my whole world come falling around me after discovering my significant other had been sexually acting out throughout our relationship.
I first discovered pornography on his phone one afternoon after returning home from work. I was in complete SHOCK! I had no idea he had been looking at and fantasising about other women who weren’t me. When I confronted him he was rather defensive and said it had only happened a couple of times and that it was just a silly mistake. I wanted to believe him! Over the next three years I was to find out a whole lot more that had been going on for years such as, cyber-sexting, secret email accounts, hook up sites, dating apps and meeting with other women. His secret world began to fall apart as I would make discovery after discovery of more sexually acting out behaviours with other women. My partner continued to deny everything I found, even when I had proof in my hands or on a computer screen. The level of denial and lying was hard to take. The Pain and grief I went through was unrelenting. I felt like I was walking through a mine-field on a daily basis waiting for another bomb to detonate underneath me. At times I felt like I was going crazy when the gaslighting and manipulation became unbearable to live with. I began to question everything about my relationship to this man, I had no idea what was real anymore.
The impact of Betrayal produces life-altering changes. There are so many losses that we begin to grieve and so many questions about what has really been happening throughout our relationship-
- How could this have happened, and why did I not see it?
- How could I have been so blind and naïve all these years?
- How long has the lying and deception been going on?
- What else is he lying about or hiding from me?
- Will I ever be able to trust this person again?
- Did they ever really love me?
- Will I ever feel safe with this person again?
- Will I ever know the truth?
- Do I stay or do I go?
- How can I navigate through this trauma and deception?
- How do I deal with the triggers?
- Is he in real recovery this time?
These are only very few of the questions that haunt us in the beginning of discovery. Our world as we know it has changed and our emotions are all over the place. Our trust has been completely SMASHED. It feels like a death only the person is still alive. It’s a death of what we thought we had. We feel violated and conned and sometimes ashamed for what has taken place under our very noses without us knowing. Sometimes there are just no words to express how we feel, only feelings of anxiety and intense grief that comes in waves. It all feels too much to face, we feel very alone.
Recognising what has happened is not always easy. Knowing where to start is even harder. “We don’t know what we don’t know”, we are in uncharted waters struggling to stay afloat, stay safe and stay sane.
Firstly “You did not cause this and you cannot cure it”. This is not your fault, it’s not your shame to carry and he’s not your problem to fix. These behaviours almost always started before you met him. You will need support and help to navigate from discovery to recovery regardless of whether you chose to stay in this partnership or leave.
I look forward to speaking with you today for a free 15 minute confidential phone call.
You’re stronger than you know. Although you are powerless over him, you are not powerless over the actions you choose to take from here. I can help you step out of the crazy-making today and reclaim your truth and life back. xx